Is my therapist cake? How to tell if your therapist is the real deal.

I was watching the show Is It Cake? with my son this past weekend and had an eerie thought: how do my clients know if I, as their therapist, am cake or not? I mean, I am sweet and delicious so if they mistake me for cake it's understandable (I am joking of course). What I mean is, how do they know if I'm real, in other words, authentic, present, and sincere?

In the show Is It Cake? contestants have to create cakes that resemble everyday objects and other contestants have to guess if they are, or are not, cake. Simple enough, right?

Cake is delicious, so in ordinary life we'd rather be given a piece of cake that looks like a pile of laundry than be given an actual pile of laundry. However, in a therapy relationship, I think most folks would rather have a real therapist than a piece of cake in the shape of a therapist. In other words, we want our therapists to be genuine, authentic, and actively listening to us.

I'm sitting here typing this and can verify that I am real (not a robot). I can feel the hot water with lemon (my favorite beverage) subtly warming my chest as I take a sip, which proves (to myself) that I am alive and human. More importantly, in my therapy meetings, I am doing my damndest to be present, authentic and real, but does my sincerity translate to you, the client? Here's how can you tell if your therapist is authentically listening and fully present during your sessions.

1. Eye Contact Shouldn't Feel Frosty

When you're pouring your heart out, your therapist's eyes should be locked onto you, not wandering off. Genuine eye contact is a key ingredient in the therapy mix, showing that they're present and focused on you.

Given that I do therapy primarily over video chat, I sometimes wonder if I am actually making eye contact. What, after all, is good eye contact when talking to a screen? I do look at my clients' eyes as they speak, but "real" eye contact through video chat would require me to look at my camera lens. Perhaps I am being too literal about eye contact here and it's more of a felt sense. You can feel in your gut whether or not I am present and focused on you.

2. The Nod

A therapist who's soaking in your words will often nod along, showing they're not just daydreaming. If those nods are sprinkled throughout your session, it's a good sign that they're tuned in.

I will notice that, after a few sessions, my neck hurts from nodding. If you observe talking heads on TV, they rarely nod. I suspect they are trained to remain completely still because nodding is distracting. Luckily, in therapy, I can nod away because it reflects my responding to everything you are saying.

3. Active Listening

There's nothing as comforting as a therapist who reflects your feelings back to you. Active listening, for me, involves repeating, summarizing, or paraphrasing your words, proving I'm not just providing some sugar-coated response.

I take this part very seriously and aspire to reflect your own words back, rather than my interpretations of your words. So if you say, "I dislike cake and prefer to eat pie" (keeping with the cake theme) I would stick with your words of "dislike" and "prefer" and "pie." Your words are much more interesting to me than my own words.

4. Recipe for Empathy

Authentic empathy is the cherry on top of therapy sessions. Your therapist should step into your shoes, showing a deep understanding of your emotions. If their responses reflect true empathy, you've got yourself a real treat.

5. Distraction-Free Environment

A therapist who's fully present won't be distracted by notifications or the allure of their screen. They'll create a space where you feel like the only slice of cake in the room.

I have learned the hard way to leave my phone outside my office during a session (even having it nearby can be distracting). I have also learned the hard way to avoid reading emails or checking text messages before sessions even begin, because that info can linger in my mind as I step into a session.

6. Remembering Your Layers

A therapist who genuinely listens will remember those chocolate frosted layers of your conversations. If they recall previous sessions or details you've shared, it shows they're invested in your story, not their dessert menu.

I enjoy taking notes during sessions and offer a recap of the previous session at the beginning of a new session. At the very least, this demonstrates that you are being heard.

7. Setting Healthy Limits

Just like a cake needs the right portions, a therapist needs to establish healthy boundaries. If they respect your boundaries and create a space of trust, you're not just a crumb to them.

Conclusion

So, the next time you're in a therapy session, keep an eye out for these key ingredients that distinguish a real therapist from a cake in disguise. Remember, therapy is about feeling heard, understood, and supported by someone who's fully present in your journey.

Dig in, stay mindful, and keep seeking the support you deserve.