My clients are oxymorons

I remember when I first heard the word “oxymoron.” It was probably middle school. I distinctly  remember one example of an oxymoron given by the teacher: “a giant shrimp.” I found that funny. “A giant shrimp.” I kind of remember kids calling each other “oxymorons” in that middle school way, but I might have made that part of the memory up. 

I was thinking about oxymorons today while reading an essay by museum curator Nancy Spector. The essay was about the artist Matthew Barney’s epic, five-part mind-fudge of a movie, The Cremaster Cycle. Nancy Spector described some elements of the movie (I don’t remember which) as being an oxymoron. She went on to define oxymoron as, “a figure of speech that holds together contradictions and sustains them in an impossible unity, without progression toward synthesis.” 

My clients, during sessions, will succeed in naming an emotion that they are feeling, such as sadness. Later, they will name an additional emotion, let’s say excitement. What often happens next is that they perceive a contradiction between the emotion named and will walk one of those emotions back. It’s as though they can’t be both "sad" and "excited" at the same time. Likewise, they find it uncomfortable to be both "joyful" and "scared" at the same time, or "resentful" and "loving" at the same time. 

The great psychotherapist Bill O’Hanlon encourages therapists to be inclusive of their clients’ emotions. People are complex, he says. We all hold multiple, disparate, seemingly contradictory emotions at once. Therapists need to remember this. It helps me to be reminded.

This is how I see my clients and how I hope they can grow to see themselves: as oxymorons. In other words, as complex beings who experience a range of emotions, often simultaneously. I might in a session playfully call my client an oxymoron. I guess my sense of humor is still stuck in middle school. I am, emotionally, a giant shrimp.

I would love to hear what makes you an oxymoron. Please share your thoughts with me at jeremyfaintherapy@gmail.com